The Child Who ‘Wouldn’t Engage’

One lesson we have learned repeatedly is that children who are described as “not engaging” are often communicating more than anyone realises.

In multidisciplinary meetings, we frequently hear phrases such as “she won’t participate,” “he refuses contact,” or “they won’t answer questions.” The assumption is often that engagement is the problem.

Yet when we spend time exploring the context, a different picture often emerges.

The child who refuses to speak may be worried about the consequences of being heard. The child who avoids contact may be managing intense anxiety. The child who appears oppositional may be attempting to regain a sense of control in circumstances where they feel powerless.

A useful practice question is: “What purpose might this behaviour be serving for the child?”

That question changes everything.

Rather than viewing behaviour as an obstacle to overcome, practitioners begin exploring behaviour as information. Curiosity replaces correction. Assessment becomes more nuanced. Children often feel safer and more understood.

The practical takeaway is simple: when a child’s behaviour looks like resistance, pause before responding to the behaviour itself.

First, ask what the child might be trying to communicate.

Often, the behaviour makes far more sense once we understand the distress underneath it.